If you love bad movies and you haven't yet seen The Room, do yourself a favor and watch it as soon as possible. Like any bad movie, its enjoyability is greatly enhanced by sharing it with friends. There's something about a line like "you can keep your comments in your pocket!" That needs to be answered by a shared look that says 'you heard that, too, right?' 

When it became evident that some of my friends hadn't yet enjoyed The Room, I rounded them up, along with some who already knew and loved the movie, and SHOT THEM ALL. Just kidding, I rounded them up and threw a viewing party!

In The Room, the character Lisa is shown ordering pizza over the phone: one half pineapple and Canadian bacon, and one half pesto with artichoke, easy on the cheese. That's a seriously weird combo- why not get two small pizzas if you and your partner have such divergent tastes? It gets even less sensical, too- a few minutes later she and Johnny are shown happily eating their pizza, which is now your bog-standard pepperoni pie. Transubstantiation! Does The Room contain a covert religious message?

Rather than making them attempt to maneuver around some half-pesto/half-tomato sauce chimera, I showed some mercy on my guests by simply making three whole pizzas. I was super lazy beyond that, though- I just rocked some pizza dough and sauce from Trader Joe's! The pesto was the classic pesto recipe from Isa Moskowitz's Vegan With a Vengeance, a recipe I love to make in big batches during basil season and freeze in single-portion sizes. I opted for Follow Your Heart mozzarella shreds, Tofurky pepperoni, and Yves brand Canadian bacon.

As for dessert, I was considering a birthday cake, as the climax of the film takes place on main character Johnny's birthday and immediately following his surprise party. But I far prefer the scene where Johnny meets his friend in a cafe, the owners of which are aggressively pushing cheesecake on all of their customers. In fact, they're so obsessed with getting their customers to try the cheesecake that they evidently forget to collect money from said customers in exchange for the food and drink provided. So I instead opted to make a lemon cheesecake with a gingerbread crust. It was a (dairy- & gluten-) FREE cheesecake.

One of the more dog-eared pages in my collection of cookbooks is the Lemon Cheesecake recipe in Colleen Patrick-Goudreau's The Joy of Vegan Baking. I used some Mi-Del gluten-free gingerbread cookies to make the Graham Cracker Crust from the same cookbook. Did you know lemon and gingerbread together are a dynamite combo? I did not, myself, until recently, and now this cheesecake is my 'little black dress' of desserts: simple and easy, yet reliably stunning. I love how easily this cake can be made gluten-free in addition to being vegan, so I can share the sweet love with my friends and family who are gluten-intolerant.

When Johnny and Lisa are enjoying their pizza, they probably haven't noticed that it wasn't at all what they ordered because they are getting blasted on scotchka. Yes, that's right: scotchka. It's exactly what it sounds like, scotch and vodka. 

Obviously no sane individual would actually drink this, so it was perfect to serve to the caliber of person who will be friends with me. I want to say I searched intensively, high and low, for the perfect cocktail recipe incorporating scotchka.  In truth I just did some lackluster poking around on Google. At first, I was tempted to go with the King of Poland, because The Room's auteur, Tommy Wiseau, is most likely Polish (he is notoriously secretive regarding his origins and insists, through a thick European accent, that he is from New Orleans). But the King of Poland is pretty much straight up scotchka (the name comes from a particular brand of Polish vodka that's meant to be used) with a twist of lemon- not very enticing in and of itself.

Enter the Whizz-Doodle, a concoction from classic 1930 mixing guide The Savoy Cocktail Book. A local San Francisco blogger's revision of it caught my eye, and, due to my own substitutions and alterations, I decided it needed to be re-named. Gentlefolk, I give you:

THE WISEAU-DOODLE
1 oz. Absolut vodka 
1 oz. Glenlivet single-malt scotch
1-2 dashes Fee Brothers Aztec Chocolate Bitters
1 barspoon Bee-Free Honee (or agave)
So Delicious Coco Whip
bittersweet chocolate & microplane

Mix the vodka, scotch, bitters, and honee/agave until the latter is dissolved. Shake with ice, then strain into a glass. With a spoon, whip up the Coco Whip until smooth, and scoop a generous dollop onto the top of the drink. Top with chocolate shavings. The reviews all around: surprisingly good!

Misc Notes: 

• Those ingredients are just what I used; I wasn't compensated by any of those companies to use them, and I'm sure if you're a hobby mixologist with a refined palate you may wish to make some changes! 
  
• Fee Brothers Bitters contain glycerin; I confirmed through Barnivore that it is plant-derived. 
  
• Although this ends up being quite palatable, remember that it packs quite the wallop. I didn't brace myself properly before taking my first sip and nearly fell over!
  

Now, I'm not judging Lisa's French tips, I'm just saying they really date the movie. My friend's wedding album has some pretty dated pictures of my bridesmaid nails, taken upon myself completely of my own accord. So I'm really laughing with Lisa rather than at her when I put out some bodacious press-on nails for those who wished to play along.  

I do have a hard time, though, not judging Lisa for going blonde and not bringing her eyebrows along for the ride. Lisa's thick, dark brows, when coupled with her bleached hair, overwhelm her face and become a comical focal point. I made thick brows for my guests using black felt and double-stick tape, and they were a hit! The end result was more Devo than Lisa, but it was a good first foray into the fine art form of making silly things out of felt to stick to my face (and those of my dogs). 

If you'd like to host your own The Room party, or if perhaps you're feeling dissatisfied with the lack of variety in your personal eyebrow wardrobe, here's a quick tutorial on how to make your own felt eyebrows at home!

Obviously you can enjoy The Room without all these extra props, but what's the point in that? At any rate, if you absolutely must watch this movie without pizza, scotchka, roses, or insane eyebrows, please do so, but at your own risk. If you've enjoyed The Room and want to know more about it, including a San Franciscan's perspective on the movie's setting, head on over to my other blog, Nortons' Movie Maps, to read my The Room guide!

Hello Excellent Sews Before Bros Readers!In case you don't know me or my blog, Cake Maker to the Stars, my name is kittee bee and I'm writing today as a Freaky Friday blogger on Erika's blog. 

I am a big fan of Erika's crafty ways, and am super delighted to be posting on her behalf today. If you're desperately missing Erika today, run over to my blog where she is posting in my stead.

Erika and I met on the internet many moons ago, but we are lucky enough to be friends in the real world, too. We have lots of stuff in common besides our vegan ways including our love of crafting, sewing, being clever bitches and dogs!

All month on my blog I've been posting Ethiopian dishes, so I thought I should carry the theme over here as well. I tried and tried to think of a way to tie Ethiopian vittles with our common interests, and the only thing I could come up with was Kale Tails.So that's what you're getting. Ethiopian inspired kale chips next to a very cute dog's butt.

Preheat the oven to 275 degrees F and get cooking. 

Here's what you'll need:
7 cups coarsely chopped kale, which has been cut from the thick inner rib or kale bone (from a nice fat bunch of kale--I like to use the dino variety)
3/4 cups soaked and drained sunflower seeds
1/4 cup nooch
7 tablespoons water
3 tablespoons fresh squeezed lemon juice
1 tablespoon Ethiopian berbere 
1 tablespoon evoo
1 teaspoon onion granules
1/2 teaspoon garlic granules
1/2 teaspoon salt

In 2003 I was back home in small-town California, workin' the grind for the Worst Boss Ever and living in a crappy condo with two passive-aggressive roommates and a meth lab next door. Good times!

One of my greatest sources of pleasure and easiest meals to make at this time was a TLT- Tofu, Lettuce, and Tomato sandwich. Many of my fondest childhood memories involve my dad's disgusting, unhealthy, and positively delicious cooking: corned beef hash, tuna casserole, fried eggs and hashbrowns, and of course, BLTs. I was happy to pick up the BLT habit again when I learned how to make a quick, easy, delicious bacon analog. Here's how!

While the tofu cools, start some bread toasting, and slice your tomatoes and wash your lettuce. Add your favorite eggless mayo and whip that sandwich together!

Eat with tots, salad, or whatever the hell else you want, doing whatever the hell you want to do, because BLTS are about America and America is about FREEDOM.

In 2002, I was a new college grad taking the very long way back to California from Philadelphia, via Europe, Asia, and Australia. One of the first things I did that year was fly from Hong Kong to Calcutta, India. It was the start of a month in the subcontinent. Talk about your culture shock! One thing I never found challenging, however, was finding delicious vegan cuisine to stuff in my face.  One of the many foods I fell in love with during my trip was pau (or pav) bhaji. 

Pau bhaji is a quick and easy snack made of curried potatoes [the bhaji] and toasted bread [the pau], garnished with raw onion and lemon juice. I usually like to use a baguette, but any type of fancy roll or bread will do. A friend of mine recently used Trader Joe's slider buns for pau bhaji and it was a rip-roaring success. Sometimes the pau is called 'baps,' which is a British word for bread, but also British slang for breasts. Please do not attempt to eat your bhaji off of your bosom or that belonging to someone else (at least not without prior arrangement, permission, and/or safe words).

You won't see pau bhaji on the menu at your typical neighborhood curry house, as it's a popular snack typically bought from street vendors in Mumbai, but if you have a restaurant nearby that specializes in chaat (snacks and street food), they will probably have it. The pau is traditionally served with a generous smear of ghee (clarified butter), and some restaurants are unwilling or unable to omit it. Sadly, one of my favorite local restaurants, Vik's Chaat in South Berkeley, is one such establishment. Fortunately for me, however, Vik's serves lots of other incredible vegan options, and I have unlocked the secret to making pau bhaji at home.

The first thing you'll want to do is pick up a packet of pau bhaji spice mix. Check your local Indian or Pakistani grocer; alternately, a Middle Eastern grocer or even a western grocer with a good 'international' aisle might fit the bill. If all else fails, that's what the internet is for!

The packet usually comes with a recipe on the back, but the measurements are often given in grams and the directions are sometimes sprinkled with delightfully archaic and empirically stilted English. So for the sake of simplicity, I'll list how I usually make pau bhaji, based upon my loose interpretations of the instructions over the years. 

1 fresh baguette or a couple of rolls of your choice
2-3 medium potatoes, peeled and diced
1 tbsp coconut oil or Earth Balance
1-2 cloves of garlic, peeled and minced
1/3 -1/2 cup of finely diced white onion
1-2 medium tomatoes, diced
1/2 cup frozen or fresh peas
1-3 Tablespoons of pau bhaji spice mix (to taste)
lemon wedges to serve

Put the peeled and diced tomatoes in a pot with enough water to cover by 2" and bring to a boil. While the potatoes are boiling, sautee the garlic and half of the minced onions in the coconut oil or Earth Balance on medium to low heat in a large skillet with a sprinkle of salt to prevent them from burning. Watch carefully until they are turning golden brown, then add the diced tomatoes and spice mix to taste. Careful, this stuff gets spicy! 

Meanwhile, your potatoes should be nearly done, just barely tender in the middle when pierced with a fork. Don't overcook them! Drain the potatoes and add them to the skillet with the tomatoes, garlic, and onions. If you're using frozen peas, add them at this point, too. Mix the ingredients with a wooden spoon to coat the potatoes with the spice mixture, while also smooshing and breaking up the chunks of potato with the back of the spoon. You don't want it perfectly creamy, just a little mooshy! Add a little bit of water if you need to smoosh up the texture or cook the potatoes a bit longer. 

Once everything is mixed and the potatoes are soft, you're ready to go! If you're using fresh peas, add them at this point and stir them into the bhaji mix. Cut your baguette or rolls lengthwise and toast them (coat with Earth Balance or coconut oil if you wish). Serve the pau bhaji with the remaining diced onions and lemon wedges. 

To eat, simply put a dollop of the bhaji on the pau, sprinkle with raw diced onions, and squeeze fresh lemon juice on top. Then dig in! And FYI, if you got zealous with the spice mix- a beer or your favorite non-dairy yogurt will put out that fire. 

I began seriously considering going vegan in 1999. I was living in Philadelphia while attending college, and had made several friends through both school and the local punk scene who were vegan. I was volunteering on Sundays at the Wooden Shoe, an anarchist bookstore collective. We had recently stocked a new publication, an exciting, brightly-colored cookbook titled How It All Vegan, written by two sassy-looking, tattooed Canadian ladies [Tanya and Sarah] in cute vintage clothing. The first recipe I made was the banana bread. Then it was also the second, third, and fourth recipe I tried. I became a banana bread fiend! I made about a dozen banana breads for various friends as holiday presents. I quickly knew the recipe by heart.

That Christmas, I flew to Sweden to spend the holiday with my extended family and possibly ride out the Y2K disaster in a country where Shit Gets Done. For the flight, I borrowed a book from my friend Chris. It was The Sexual Politics of Meat by Carol J. Adams. Reading it was the final push I needed to decide that my New Year's resolution would be to go vegan. I had already been vegetarian for two years at this point, and knew plenty of vegan people and establishments, so I'm happy to say my transition was pretty smooth, with the exception of my ex-boyfriend, who was a hardcore foodie and made fun of me for making the switch. But fourteen years later, I'm still vegan, and he's my ex-boyfriend, so there you go.

All these years later, I still own and reference my original copies of both books. The other day I cracked open How it All Vegan to make the faux feta (see the recipe for cold pesto salad below), and the wave of nostalgia made me realize I should blog about my dear old friends for MoFo. 

As you can see, the book has been well-worn and splattered with various ingredients. The spine has even broken at the page with the banana bread recipe, and if I'm not careful, some of the pages fall out! Tanya and Sarah's sage (har har) cooking wisdom has followed me from Philly to California to Hong Kong and back to California again, through countless moves, a blur of kitchens, and many phases in my vegan journey and my life in general. 

Tanya and Sarah released a follow-up, The Garden of Vegan, in 2003, after which Tanya left the world of cookbook writing to pursue a career in healthcare (go Tanya!). Sarah continued to cook, write, and blog about vegan food, publishing La Dolce Vegan and Vegan A Go-Go. I met Sarah at a release party for the latter book in San Francisco, and it was a wonderful feeling to tell her that it was her and Tanya's book that helped start my vegan journey. A few months ago Sarah announced that she has been diagnosed with breast cancer and has put her homepage and webshop on hiatus while she pursues treatment. Her candor, bravery, and honesty throughout the process has been inspirational and impressive, to say the least. I wish her all the very best luck in the world. 

There you have it- two books and three incredible women who informed and calibrated my moral compass. Thank you Sarah, Tanya, and Carol, for making me who I am today!

NOW GET THIS IN YOUR BELLEH:

1/2 lb. fusili pasta
1 serving of Classic Pesto from Isa Chandra Moskowitz's Vegan With a Vengeance (to taste)
1 serving of Faux Feta from Barnard & Kramer's How it All Vegan (to taste)
2 med. or 1 large bell pepper (whatever is seasonal and local)
1/4-1/3 cup onion
1 6 oz. can of sliced olives
1 cup cherry tomatoes, halved
1 barely-ripe small or medium Haas avocado (optional)

Cook the pasta and run it under cold water to cool it off and to halt the cooking process. Julienne the bell pepper and onion, and cut the avocado into bite-sized chunks. Add all the vegetables to the pasta, and then pesto and feta to taste (start with a half-recipe and work your way up from there). You can eat this right away or store it in the fridge for a great side dish or brown bag lunch.  Because the pesto freezes so well and the feta gets yummier the longer it marinates, this is something you can prep several days beforehand and throw together in 15 minutes.