Fuckin' magnets-- how do they work?!
Picture"please enquire with the maitre d'."
Earlier this month I was farting around at work, looking at Buzzfeed, as you do, and came across a collection of photos from this year's Gathering of the Juggalos. 

Despite their questionable taste in music, juggalos endear themselves to me: they're like a bunch of toddlers who discovered the magic fortune teller game from Big, weed, and boobies, all in that order. All they want to do is hang out with their friends, wearing as little clothing as possible, getting blasted out of their skulls, rockin' out and breaking shit with a giant ball of duct tape. What's not to like? I mean, aside from the scabies you're pretty much 100% guaranteed to catch, or the fact that you could wake up next to a dead guy? Just remember, if you do attend The Gathering, that your cash money has limited use, as the juggalos are a titty-based economy. 

PictureDrew Ailes, Village Voice
In keeping with the clown-based tradition of The Gathering,  most of the food there is straight out of the carnival: corn dogs, funnel cakes, turkey legs, and pink popcorn. Something new in this year's batch of photos, however, caught my eye: the stoner bowl, a concoction of french fries topped with cheesesteak meat, peppers, and onions, doused liberally in nacho cheese. I knew the second I laid eyes on it I would have to veganize it. 

Drew Ailes, who wrote about The Food of The Gathering for the Village Voice, succinctly described the stoner bowl as "hardly brilliant," but also "probably one of the best things we ate from the [food] stands."

Here's how I assembled my homemade stoner bowl: One large order of oven-baked fries from a local vegan-friendly burger joint. An assembly of sauteed sweet white onion, jalapeno pepper, sweet Italian pepper, and thinly-sliced homemade seitan (I used the Seitan Cutlets from Veganomicon). Three generous soup-spoons full of Food for Lovers' Queso. I had a beer handy to put out the fire, and a Faygo root beer for dessert. Healthy living!

I'm gonna be honest with you: the final result smelled like a big ol' juicy vagina. I don't normally eat vagina, so I don't know how the stoner bowl compares, but if vagina tastes this good, then sign me up! It was a sloppy, disgusting, spicy, gooey mess and it hit the damn spot. I think my homemade stoner bowl would be worthy of any true down-ass 'lette. Typing this the morning after, however, I can definitely confirm that actions such as eating a stoner bowl have consequences


09/23/2013 11:34am

boobies for bowls! that looks awesome!

09/23/2013 1:40pm


09/24/2013 5:50pm

Oh my god, this is brilliant.

09/25/2013 9:32am

Woop woop! Thanks all! It was delicious, definitely will do it again. Perhaps en masse for a party.

09/26/2013 8:52pm

Please. Have a juggalo party. I'll fly to the Bay area for JUGGALO PARTY. This is totally fucking epic. And the Faygo totes pushes it over the edge for me. I am laughing so damn hard right now.

09/27/2013 8:55am

I was on a mission to track down Faygo in the Bay Area! I found this rando deli in Berkeley that stocks all sorts of amazing sodas from all over the country and from all points in spacetime. For example, Jolt Cola and Brainwash Soda. I might go back and do a blog post just on weirdo sodas.

09/29/2013 11:01am

This post....is awesome.

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